11 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Stress

1. Create some healthy space for yourself. – Sometimes you are just too close to the puzzle to see the big picture.  You need to take a few steps back to gain clarity on the situation.  The best way to do this is to simply take a short break – a breather – a vacation – and explore something else for a little while.  Why?  So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes.  And the people there may see you differently too.  Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
2. Accept the truth and practice being grateful for what is. – To let go is to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow.  It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead.  It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s challenges and changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
3. Say less and breathe more when you’re angry. – Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.  True story.  When you’re infuriated with someone, take a few deep breaths, sit quietly and think for a moment.  Acknowledge the true source of your anger.  Anger always bleeds from the inside out.  Remember that we need to fix ourselves first before we attempt to fix or influence others.  Trying to change others is a common recipe for prolonging the suffering.  Taking responsibility for changing yourself, and how you deal with the actions of others, is a recipe for growth, freedom and happiness.
4. Forgive with all your heart, as often as necessary. – Forgiveness is a constant attitude of choosing happiness over hurt – acceptance over resistance.  It’s about acknowledging that we’re all mistaken sometimes; sometimes even the best of us do foolish things – things that have severe consequences.  But it doesn’t mean we are evil and unforgivable, or that we can’t be trusted ever again.  Know this.  Sit with it.  It might take time to forgive, because it takes strength to forgive.  Because when you forgive, you love with all your might.  And when you love like this, a heavenly, healing light shines upon you.  This forgiveness – true forgiveness – brings you to a place where you can sincerely say, “Thank you for that experience,” and mean it with all your heart.
5. Concentrate only on what can be changed. – Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood.  Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change.  Focus exclusively on what you can change.  And if you can’t change something that’s upsetting you, change the way you think about it.  Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something different in your life.
6. Make the NOW your primary focus. – Now is the moment.  The past is just a memory.  The future is a mental projection.  You can choose to dwell back in the past for learning and joyous reflection.  You can choose to dwell in the future for visualization and practical planning.  However, any time your awareness floats away to the past or future frequently for negative purposes, you are suffocating your ability to thrive in the only moment you ever have – the NOW.  Past and future literally do not exist right now; feel the freedom in this truth.
7. Embrace your quirks, your mistakes, and the fact that life is a lesson. – Life is a ride.  Things change, people change, but you will always be YOU; so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone or anything.  You have to dare to be yourself, in this moment, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.  It’s about realizing that even on your weakest days you get a little bit stronger, if you’re willing to learn.  Which is why, sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your trouble and hard work isn’t what you get, but who you become.
8. Nurture your self-worth. – Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.  And you are!  You are worth it.  Tattoo that right onto your brain… Seriously!  The world starts to respond when you believe that about yourself.  It doesn’t always look like you thought it would, but positive shifts begin to take place when you start to recognize and acknowledge your own self-worth.  So watch your thoughts and stop any self-deprecating thoughts dead in their tracks.  Remind yourself that once upon a time, in an unguarded, honest moment, you recognized yourself as a worthy friend.
9. Pay less attention to people’s judgments. – Most people hasten to judge in a desperate attempt to not be judged themselves.  In other words, their judgments are shallow and based on their own insecurities, and thus not worth worrying about.  And honestly, no one has the right to judge you anyway.  People may have heard your stories, and they may think they know you, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life.  So forget what they think and say about you.  Let it GO.  Focus on how you feel about yourself, and keep walking the path that feels best under your feet.
10. Do everything with a touch of kindness. – Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is… you guessed it… to be kind.  Whatever can be done, can be done more effectively when you add kindness.  Whatever words are spoken, will always be more compelling when expressed with kindness.  The kind deeds you exert in just one moment can have a positive impact that lasts a lifetime.  Your days will be brighter and your years fuller when you add kindness to your purpose.  Choose to be kind every day, and you’re truly choosing to live in a world with less stress and more happiness.
11. Savor life’s goodness. – Life is a bowl of fruit; some fruit are rotten while others are good for you.  It’s your duty to sort through it, toss out the rotten ones and forget about them, while you enjoy eating the good ones.  Don’t be confused by others who seem to be doing the exact opposite.  Ultimately you will realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who choose to disregard the good fruit and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who, like you, choose to toss out the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.

7 Crazy Mistakes We Make in the Pursuit of Happiness

1.  We view setbacks and growing pains as failures.

When we actively pursue happiness, anything that makes us feel unhappy can seem like a failure – such as a simple setback or challenging moment – when in reality these things are unavoidable, normal parts of personal growth.  Sometimes it’s just easier to feel depressed and trapped by these experiences and let them get the best of us.
Think about a time in your life when you faced a challenge.  Maybe you lost your job, were betrayed by a friend, or got rejected by a loved one.  How did you respond to this?  Did you feel like a victim, or did you embrace it as an opportunity to grow as a person and learn something valuable?
If you’re like most people (including myself), you probably struggled to have a positive attitude at the time, and the situation was probably incredibly hard to deal with.
And the truth is, challenges are never easy.
However, setbacks and challenging moments in life are also opportunities in disguise for something bigger and better.  If we can learn to appreciate and embrace them equally to the moments that make us feel happy, we can more easily see the light in our darkest moments, push through these difficult times and make the most of every opportunity to heal and grow.
2.  We get addicted to short-term, quick fixes of pleasure.
In our impatience to find happiness, we often seek pleasure instead because it’s easier to achieve in the short-term.
This can cause us to rely on pleasurable experiences in an unhealthy way.  For example, we might actually find ourselves feeling anxious if we don’t have anything to look forward to, such as an exciting vacation in the near future.
But relying on pleasurable experiences as a means to happiness will only leave us always wanting more – much like a drug where we become an addict to our next fix. Because pleasure is short lived and offers no sense of deep fulfillment.

“The pleasure-centered person, too soon bored with each succeeding level of “fun”, constantly cries for more and more.  So the next new pleasure has to be bigger and better, more exciting, with a bigger “high.”
―Steven Covey

Long-lasting happiness is not found in quick doses of pleasure, but rather through meaningful experiences over time, such as nurturing a passion, overcoming hardships, learning new life skills, and making a difference by enriching the lives of others.   

3.  We neglect the amazing people around us.
Deliberately striving for happiness can also lead us to be self-centered – “I want happiness and I want it now!” – instead of achieving happiness over time through meaningful experiences and service to a greater cause.
In this case, where the focus is only on today’s must-have dose of happiness, we become more of a taker rather than a giver.  We focus all of our attention on ourselves – me, me, me – so our immediate desires are more easily met, instead of considering new ways to make a rewarding, lasting difference in our lives and the lives around us.  We prioritize our pursuit over all the people – family, friends and strangers – who need us.
The truth is, making a difference by giving to others is actually one of the greatest ways that we can find happiness.  There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.  It gives us a greater sense of meaning, purpose and fulfillment and often makes us feel much more content with our lives and who we are as individuals.

“If you want happiness for an hour – take a nap.  If you want happiness for a day – go fishing.  If you want happiness for a month – get married.  If you want happiness for a year – inherit a fortune.  If you want happiness for a lifetime – help others.”
―Chinese proverb

4.  We let our expectations sap the joy out of genuine experiences.
Think about a time when you were looking forward to something.  Maybe it was as simple as a nice walk on the beach with your partner, or perhaps a vacation you had been planning.
When the time finally came, did you find yourself getting completely lost in the experience and having a great time, or were you scatter-brained with expectations of how the experience was “supposed to be,” and thus subconsciously feeling somewhat disappointed?
Too often we become so determined to feel happy in a certain way, that we end up focusing too much on whether an experience is meeting our expectations.
But studies show that people who do certain activities with a specific set of expectations, or who monitor how much they are enjoying themselves every step of the way, end up actually enjoying themselves less than those who simply let go and focus on immersing themselves in the experience.
Rather than striving for happiness through the expectation of how things should be, try to accept whatever experiences come your way.  That way, you’ll be able to appreciate and more easily notice all the positive things around you as opposed to feeling disappointed when things don’t measure up to fantasies.

5.  We give up amazing opportunities that require temporary discomfort.
Think about a time in your life when you went through a tough but rewarding experience.
Perhaps you took on a challenging project.  Do you remember feeling a great sense of anxiety telling you that you would fail, but you didn’t?
And as a result, not only did you achieve something amazing, you also opened up an array of new opportunities for yourself, became a little bit wiser, and gained a greater sense of self-confidence.
Well, it just shows us that if we want to discover new and interesting opportunities in life, it’s not possible to feel happy every moment along the way.  A little discomfort is necessary medicine.  As they say, opportunity is missed by most people simply because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like hard work.  Don’t be one of these people.





6.  We look for happiness in the wrong places.
A 24/7 obsession with finding happiness can cause us to focus on the wrong things, because we’re often poor judges of what will make us happy.
For example, we might think that buying a new house, being popular and having a certain amount of money will make us happy, so we strive relentlessly for them, but in reality, when we finally get these things, we still feel like something is missing.

It’s the old “I’ll be happy when I’ve got X” syndrome.  Except when you get X, you realize it’s not everything you expected.  It never is.

Does this sound familiar to you?
Perhaps it’s because we are constantly being sent messages from society and popular media telling us that X, Y & Z will make us happy.  We hear, “If you’re slim you’ll be happy,” or, “If you have the latest technology you’ll be happy,” or, “If you’re rich or popular you’ll be happy.”  And because we’re so obsessed with finding happiness, we buy into it.
The truth is, these things don’t lead to a deep sense of happiness, and we’re often poor judges by believing they will.  True happiness comes from within yourself, not from something or someone else.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on something or someone to come along and make you happy.

7.  We tie our happiness to the futile idea of perfection.
Oftentimes, when we strive for happiness, what we are really aiming for is to feel perfect.
But perfection is an illusion.
We are beautifully imperfect beings, operating in a very imperfect world, and that is just the way it’s meant to be.  Striving for perfection is a hollow goal, one that can never be achieved.
Society shows us doctored images of perfection constantly in marketing and popular media.  Do not buy into this illusion; it will only lead you into darkness.  Embrace your quirks, your flaws and the fact that life is a roller coaster at times.  Strive for excellence, have high standards… but never confuse that with the crippling behavior of perfectionism.
Rather than striving to be perfect, embrace and appreciate all the beautiful, natural imperfections of life, and use these things to grow stronger, wiser, and more whole as an individual.   

The secret to a fulfilling life is wholeness, not happiness
Pursuing wholeness comes down to accepting and embracing all aspects of life – sadness, frustration, pain, failure and happiness, as well as realizing that all these things are equally as important for a balanced, fulfilling and truly happy experience.

It’s about understanding that life is not just a bowl of cherries, and that in order to grow and learn, we rely on the harsh realities of life.

In fact, even though it’s hard, we need to be grateful for these things.
Rather than trying to hide from adversities, we need to embrace them…
Because we know that they will make us stronger, more passionate, motivated, versatile, confident, resilient, capable and ultimately more whole as individuals – as well as adding more meaning and deeper fulfillment to our lives.

“Everyone says we grow through pain and as soon as they experience it they say, ‘Quick!  Move on!  Cheer up!’  Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all those things which make us who we are.”
―Hugh Mackay

How to strive for wholeness
In order to get the most out of your pursuit for wholeness, the following are some key things to do in your daily life:

• Embrace rather than avoid life’s adversities.  Laugh at your mistakes and learn from them.  Joke about your troubles and gather strength from them.  Have fun with the challenges you face and then conquer them.
• Rather than shutting out or suppressing negative emotions, allow yourself to really feel them, so you can deal with them.  Take full, unhindered control of your emotions, so your emotions do not control you behind your back.
• Find peace with yourself and your past.  Rather than remaining angry or hurt throughout your life, choose to forgive yourself and others, and try to actually appreciate the experiences for what they have taught you.
• Proactively identify knowledge gaps in your life experience and take steps to fill them, even if it requires you to stretch your comfort zone.
• Shift some of your attention away from what you want, and refocus it on what others need.

Will you choose wholeness over happiness?

When you choose to actively seek wholeness, your life will feel much more fulfilling.
You will feel more satisfied and happy with your life, because rather than feeling burdened by life’s challenges, you will be on a constant journey of growth and discovery.  Everything, good or bad, will move you forward.

Instead of feeling like a victim in life, you will be able to appreciate and value everything that comes your way.  After all, you’re not a victim.  You’re a strong human being.  You have an interesting life, and it is magnificent.  Keep this in mind, and live it accordingly.

And while you’re out there doing your thing, you will also learn to love, accept and understand yourself better as you learn to overcome the brokenness inside you.
I challenge you to choose wholeness from today onward.

The next time you feel sad or disappointed, don’t try to shut it out or distract yourself from it.  Instead, accept it as who you are, be okay with it and allow it to add new layers of understanding and awareness to your life.

22 Harsh Truths that Will Jolt You Awake

1. No one else can give you the exact answers you need to be happy and successful. – There are many important answers only you can give yourself, through firsthand experience and self-reflection.  So stop listening to what the world says you should want.  Start listening to who you are.  Once you’re tuned-in to yourself, a time will come when you finally get it.  When in the midst of life’s chaos and commotion you stop dead in your tracks and, from somewhere deep down, the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH!”  This moment is the turning point that leads to happiness and success.
2. The things we do right are often NOT the right things to do. – It’s always better to go slowly in the right direction than quickly in the wrong direction.  Ask yourself if what you’re doing is moving you closer to where you want to be.  Know that doing the right things is far more important than doing things right.  There is nothing quite so wasteful as doing with great proficiency something that should not be done at all.
3. The unhappiest folks are those who care the most about what everyone thinks. – Truth be told, you have nothing to prove and everything to be.  Let the opinions of others inform you.  Don’t let them limit you.
4. The people you surround yourself with will make you or break you. – Surround yourself with positive people – positive influences.  Let them serve as subtle, yet continuous reminders to be your very best.
5. Being real and straightforward may not make you the most popular person in the room. – But it will make you the right friends and contacts.
6. You will always be incredibly imperfect.– If you wait until you’re “perfect” before you share your stories, ideas, talents, and gifts with the world, no one will ever hear from you.
7. The draw of comfort is the biggest dream killer. – In the end, you can be comfortable or courageous, but not both at once.
8. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. – If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.  If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.  The bottom line is that you’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.  Don’t be afraid to start over and rebuild what you truly want.
9. We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us. – Between what happened and what will happen is your choice.  You are not a product of your circumstances; you are a product of your decisions.  It’s about not letting your fear decide your future.
10. The only path between wanting and having is doing. – There’s no getting around the need to take deliberate, focused action.
11. Your dreams come true only when YOU make them come true. – And that’s precisely what makes them worth having and working hard for.
12. Winners win not because they’re allowed to, but because they decide to. – Promise yourself something wonderful, and then do what it takes to fulfill that promise.  You were born to be a success.  Although to be successful, you must plan to be, prepare to be, expect to be, and work to be, every day.  Success is not a secret.  Success is a direction, a process, and a way of life.
13. If achievement had no price, it would be of no value. – Pay the price.  Do the work, and enjoy the rewards.  It is far better to be exhausted from meaningful work than to be tired of doing nothing.  Put in the effort and live the life you’ve imagined.
14. Problems are part of every success story. – Life becomes more rewarding as it becomes more demanding.  If you’re having problems, that’s good.  It means you’re making progress.  It means you’re learning and growing.  The only people with no problems are the ones doing nothing.
15. Focusing on petty problems is the greatest human addiction. – Break this habit.  The negative things in life don’t need your help 24/7.  Focus on your joys, your loves, and your goals instead.  Give your energy to the positive sides of life – the opportunities – and take a step in the right direction.  Big results in life and business are gained by noticing and exploiting good opportunities, not by finding and solving every petty problem.
16. Failures are inevitable and necessary. – Failure should be your teacher, not your attacker.  Failure is a lesson, not a loss.  It is a temporary, necessary detour, not a dead end.
17. In life, what you want and what you get are rarely perfectly congruent. – In the end, after all is said and done, what’s meant to be will come your way, and what’s not will fall away.  Just remember that life’s greatest gifts may not always be wrapped the way you expect.
18. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be at this very moment. – Even if things aren’t the way you want them to be.  Even if there’s more to do or undo.  Even if you feel like you need to start over from scratch.  Every experience and step is necessary.
19. You can’t change yesterday, but you can ruin today by worrying about tomorrow.– Be present.  Focus.  Tomorrow will reveal itself exactly as it should.
20. When you spend your time worrying and over-thinking everything, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want. – Nuff said.
21. You can’t live a positive life with a negative attitude. – The most underrated trait of all successful people I’ve ever met: Positivity.  Your attitude directly determines how well you live your life.
22. Life changes constantly, and often unpredictably. – Yes, life changes, but so can you.  If you’re being pulled in every direction by forces beyond your control, take time to breathe and realign yourself with what you value most in life.  Have the courage to make a necessary change when you must, the strength to see it through, and faith that everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to be.

12 Promises You Should Make to Yourself and Keep Forever

1. “I will not hold the past against myself.”– Your problems, your weaknesses, setbacks, regrets and mistakes teach you if you’re willing to learn, or they will punish you if you’re not.   So let them teach you, every day.  Take everything as a lesson learned.  If you regret some of the decisions you have made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself.  At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had.  At that time, you did your best with the experience you had.  Your decisions were made with a younger mind.  If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have today, you would choose differently.  So give yourself a break.  Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for.
2. “I will own my life and never deny responsibility for it.” – Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself.  Right?  It’s never, ever your fault… WRONG!  It’s always your fault, because if you want to change, if you want to let go and move on with your life, you’re the only person who can make it happen.  It’s YOUR move to make.  It’s YOUR responsibility.  Own it!
3. “I will speak kindly and consciously to myself.” – Wait, what did you just say to yourself?  Were they the inspiring, encouraging words you would speak to a friend?  Or were they the belittling remarks you might shout to an enemy if you had no heart.  Or the negative assessments about life you would utter if you had no faith?  All day long we speak silently to ourselves, and a part of us believes every word.  So stay mindful, and ask yourself, “If I had a friend who always spoke to me in the same way that I am speaking to myself right now, how long would I allow that person to be my friend?” 
4. “I will listen to what my heart and soul is telling me.” – When something feels right, that means it is right for you (at least it is worth looking into).  And if you genuinely feel deep down that something is wrong, it probably is.  Pay attention to your authentic feelings, and follow where they lead.  When you’re following your inner voice, doors tend to eventually open for you, even if they mostly slam at first.
5. “I will live a life that feels right to me, not one that looks right to others.” – Give yourself permission to follow the path that makes YOU happy.  And realize that some people in your life will refuse to walk beside you as you embark on this journey; they simply won’t approve no matter what you say, and that’s OK.  Sometimes when you commit yourself to creating your own happiness, it clashes with the perceptions of others.  Sometimes when you gain something great,you have to let go of something else.  And sometimes this ‘something else’ is a relationship that only wants you to do what they want you to do.
6. “I will let go of relationships that are obviously not meant to be.” – Most people come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something.  They come and they go and they make a difference.  And it’s OK that they’re not in your life anymore.  Not all relationships last, but the lessons these relationships bring to you do.  If you learn to open your heart and mind, anyone, including the folks who eventually drive you mad, can teach you something worthwhile.  Sometimes it will feel weird when you realize you spent so much time with someone you are no longer connected to, but that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.  You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.  We all are.
7. “I will not let any situation permanently steal my smile.” – Even when times are tough, take a moment to pause and remember who YOU are.  Take a moment to reflect on the things that have real and lasting meaning in your life.  And then smile about how far you’ve come.  Honestly, nothing in this world is more beautiful and powerful than a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Any fool can be happy when times are easy.  It takes a strong soul with real heart to develop smiles out of situations that make us weep.  No matter how long it takes, it will get better.  Keep going.  Tough situations build strong people in the end.
8. “I will celebrate and appreciate the life I have.” – Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.  Take a breath of fresh air.  The past is behind you.  Focus on what you can do today, not on what you could’ve or should’ve done yesterday.  Remember, for everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else.  Appreciate what you have and who you are today.  Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.  Count your blessings, not your troubles.  It costs nothing to be positive, and it changes things for the better.  Your thoughts are yours to control, so make good use of them to give your actions and your life a powerful advantage.
9. “I will realize and use my power to make a difference.” – The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.  Don’t do this.  The world needs you.  In a world filled with doubt, you must dare to dream.  In a world filled with anger, you must dare to forgive.  In a world filled with hate, you must dare to love.  In a world filled with distrust, you must dare to believe.  And once you do, I promise, you will find that power you once thought you lacked.
10. “I will dedicate myself to personal excellence.” – Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.  And excellence is never an accident.  It’s the result of high intention, focused effort, intelligent direction, skillful execution, and the vision to see obstacles as opportunities.  It’s also important to note that excellence cannot be judged by looking at where you are at any given point in time, but by measuring the distance you have traveled from the point where you started.  It’s about being diligent and making progress – either a step forward or a lesson learned – day in and day out.
11. “I will keep stretching myself beyond my previous level of comfort.” – Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there.  Know this!  When you’re struggling, that’s when you’re growing stronger and smarter.  The more time you spend there, the faster you learn.  It’s better to spend an extremely high quality ten minutes growing, than it is to spend a mediocre hour running in place.  Every day, you want to practice at the point where you are on the edge of your ability, stretching yourself over and over again, making mistakes, stumbling, learning from those mistakes and stretching yourself even farther.
12. “I will embrace the changes I know I need to make.” – Life is a balancing act of holding on and letting go – of staying put and moving on.  We strive to make the right choices, but how do we know when it is truly time to move forward with our lives?  The signs aren’t always easy to accept, but they are there and you know it.  Relationships, jobs, and even the cities we live in have expiration dates.  Sometimes we hold on to what’s not working out of fear that we won’t be able to adapt to necessary changes.  And thus, the outcome is always the same: more pain, immense frustration, and lasting regret.  Be smarter than that.  Embrace the changes you know you need to make.

10 Toxic Behaviors that Kill Your Confidence

1. Getting caught up in lots of needless drama. – Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason.  Don’t buy in to their propaganda.  Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.  Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities.  Rather than being annoyed, be amused.  Instead of getting angry, become curious.  In place of envy, feel admiration.  Life is too short to argue, fight or be negative in any way.  Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
2. Seeking approval from everyone around you. – Confident people have no interest in pleasing everyone they meet.  They are aware that not all people agree on things, and that’s just how life works.  They focus on the quality of their relationships, instead of the quantity of them.  So never let the opinions of the masses define who you are or what you can or can’t do.  When you let go of the need to impress everyone, that’s when you begin to be truly impressive to the few people who actually matter.  And when you earn the trust and respect of these select few people, no matter where you go or what you try, you will do it with confidence – because you know the people who matter are behind you.
3. Making excuse after excuse after excuse.– Have a plan that’s bigger than your excuses.  There is so very much to touch, to do, to create, and to experience.  Confident people take ownership of their thoughts and actions.  They don’t blame the traffic for being tardy at work – they know THEY were late.  They don’t excuse their shortcomings with excuses like “I don’t have time” or “I’m just not good enough” – they make the time and they keep on improving until they see results.  Even a tiny effort is infinitely more productive than a big, impressive excuse.  So stop seeing every obstacle as an excuse and start seeing those obstacles as forming a pathway to your goals.
4. Ignoring or second-guessing your intuition. – Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from your previous life experiences.  If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason.  When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts.  Believe in yourself.  Know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.
5. Disempowering yourself with weak language. – Confident people use words with intention.  Consider the difference between these two aspiring bloggers:  One says, “Yes, I am a blogger.  You like meditation and yoga too?  Excellent!  We need to connect – check out my new mindfulness guide I just posted at…” vs. “Well, I am trying to blog but am not sure I am doing it right (nervous giggle).  I wish I had started sooner… blah, blah.”  Who do you think gets the most views, comments and social shares?  Bottom line:  If you’re trying to build something or become something, own it and speak like you mean it.
6. Thinking, “Why me?  Why me?” – On the contrary, confident people think, “Why not me?”  Sadly though, many people feel they have to wait: to be hired, to be good enough, to be chosen – like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be “discovered.”  But confident people know that access is basically universal these days (especially if you’re online reading this article).  They can connect with almost anyone through social media.  (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.)  They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products and services, build their own networks of clients and partners, choose their own path – they can choose to follow their dreams.  And very quietly, without calling too much attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
7. Needing to always be right. –  Confident people take a stand not because they think they’re always right, but because they’re not scared to be wrong.  Cocky, conceited people tend to take a position and then preach, argue, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view.  They “know” they’re right (even when they’re wrong) and they want (actually, they need) you to know it too.  Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the trademark of a bully.  Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong.  They know that finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right.  And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously and appreciate the lesson learned.
8. Talking just to hear yourself talk. – Begging for attention by talking constantly is just another mask for insecurity.  Thus, confident people are often quiet and unassuming, and they listen as much if not more than they speak.  They already know what they think, so they want to know what you think.  Follow in their footsteps by asking open-ended questions on the topic of discussion, and give others the freedom to be thoughtful, introspective and resourceful.  Ask questions like: What do you do?  How do you do it?  What have you learned from it?  What would you do differently if you were starting over?  And so forth.  Ask these questions to learn, because you know a lot, but not everything, and the only way to learn more is to listen more.
9. Letting success get to your head or failure get to your heart. – If success makes you arrogant, you haven’t really succeeded.  If failure makes you determined, you haven’t really failed.  Period.  Think about success and failure differently.  Don’t take everything that goes wrong personally, and don’t get a big head when everything goes right either.  Be a humble, life-long learner.  Create, enjoy, learn, love, experience, succeed, fail, persevere, make mistakes, make progress, take risks, and find the treasure in each day.
10. Hiding from new life experiences. – Get out there.  Let life touch you.  Yes, it will hurt sometimes.  But the pain will be much deeper if you build an impenetrable wall around yourself – your own 100-foot tall wall of comfort – your own self-inflicted prison sentence.  Life is too short for that.  Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all.  You have too many beautiful places to go.  Today is full of possibility.  Now, do something about it.

40 Things I Want to Tell My Kids Before They’re Too Cool to Listen

1. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. – Don’t base your attitude on how things are.  Choose your attitude so it supports and expresses the way you wish to be.  Frustration and stress come from the way you respond and react, not the circumstance themselves.  Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress is gone.
2. What you experience starts with your perception. – In almost every case, nothing is stopping you… nothing is holding you back but your own thoughts about yourself and “how life is.”  Your perception creates your beliefs.  And your beliefs create your behaviors.  And your behaviors produce your experience.
3. Let go of the need to complain about life.– Spend your moments actually living its beauty.  Change the phrase “have to” to “get to.”  So many things we complain about are things others wish they had the chance to do.
4. Positivity always pays off. – Your thoughts do not end when you finish thinking them.  They continue to echo through your life.  Choose wisely and intentionally.  Be outrageously and unreasonably positive.  Be funny and creative and ridiculous and joyful all at the same time.  Smile as often as possible.  A smile actually changes the vibe of your body.  It alters, physiologically, the chemistry of your being.  It will make you feel better and do better.
5. Negativity just shortens your life. – Before you waste it on anger, resentment, spite or envy, always think of how precious and irreplaceable your time is.
6. Worry is the biggest enemy of the present moment. – It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all.  When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
7. Don’t run away from things; run toward them. – The best way to move away from something negative is to move toward something positive.
8. Nothing is as bad as it seems.  Nothing. – There’s a benefit and a blessing hidden in the folds of every experience and every outcome.
9. Gratitude helps every situation. – How can you transform suffering into joy, and struggle into peace?  GRATITUDE.  Start being grateful for all the problems you do NOT have.
10. Everything is falling together perfectly, even though it looks as if some things are falling apart. – Trust in life’s process.  Happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with what is, rather than wishing for and worrying about what is not.  When life is “falling apart,” things could actually be falling together… maybe for the first time.
11. Change is necessary. – Change is the process of life itself.  In fact, everything is changing every second of our lives.  However good or bad the situation is now, it will change.  That’s one thing you can count on.  So never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are.  Life changes, and so can you.  Take a breath of fresh air.  The past is long gone.  Focus on what you can do, not on what you could have or should have done.
12. You are capable of handling far more than you think. – Accept each moment, without judgment or anxiety.  Remind yourself that all is well, and that you can handle whatever comes along.
13. If you’re having problems, that’s good. – It means you’re making progress.  The only people with no problems are the ones doing nothing.
14. It’s takes just as much energy to waste your time as it does to use it wisely. – It is far better to be exhausted from lots of effort and learning, than to be tired of doing absolutely nothing.
15. There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive. – Don’t confuse motion and progress.  A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress.
16. You can’t achieve what you do not attempt. – Everything you achieve comes from something you attempt.  Everything!  Make the attempt.  The path between wanting and having is doing.
17. The right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing. – Do what matters, not just what is convenient.  Do what is fulfilling, not just what is easy.  When faced with a choice, choose the path that strengthens you.  Choose to learn, choose to grow, choose to more fully become who you are.
18. You can’t be your best without first being yourself. – Be highly effective by being highly authentic.  Take a moment to pause and remember who you are and what you stand for.  Take a moment to reflect on the ideas and principles that have real and lasting meaning in your life.
19. Meaningful work is important. – You are at your best when you are moving toward a meaningful, positive and ambitious goal.  So never follow goals you’re reluctant to pursue.  Find ones that will keep you awake at night with excitement.
20. Always realign yourself with your highest priorities. – If you’re being pulled in every direction by forces beyond your control, take time to realign yourself with what you value most in life.  What is important in your life is what you decide is important, and this decision will ultimately create who you are.
21. Set your sights high. – Make your dreams big, exciting and undeniable.  They’re the ones that will push you forward.  Whatever is beyond your reach right now will not always be beyond your reach.  Keep going.
22. Miracles happen every day. – If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
23. If you’re going to do something, do it with enthusiasm and devotion. – Hold nothing back…  In life.  Or love.  Or business.  Or anything at all.  Every morning, ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your day around your answer.
24. Focused effort pays. – An attitude of “whatever is convenient” won’t accomplish much, ever.  An attitude of “whatever it takes” is impossible to stop.  So remember, effort does not cost you – it pays.  What you invest in effort is never wasted.  Sincere, focused effort always brings something of value – an outcome that teaches you what the next step is.
25. What you are capable of achieving is heavily based on how much you want it.– When it means enough to you, then you can do it.  When you are willing and committed and persistent, you will get yourself there, every time.
26. You can always take a small step in the direction of your dreams. – There is absolutely nothing about your present situation that prevents you from following your dreams, one step at a time.  Use each setback, each disappointment as a cue to push on ahead with more determination than ever before.
27. Set time aside to celebrate your progress at least once a month. – Look at how far you’ve come.  You have made progress.  And now, imagine how far you can go.
28. Other people’s opinions don’t have to be your reality. – Let the opinions of others inform you, don’t let them limit you.  Learn to value yourself and what you stand for.  Allow yourself to be yourself.  If you don’t want what the world says you should want, have the courage to say so.
29. Break the rules sometimes. – Don’t break the law, but break the rules.  If all you are doing is following someone else’s rules, then you have not grown, you have only obeyed.
30. You alone, get to choose what matters and what doesn’t. – The meaning of everything in your life is the meaning you give it.
31. Listen to your intuition. – When something feels right, that means it is right for you.  When something feels wrong, that means it is wrong for you.  Pay attention to your authentic feelings, and follow where they lead.
32. Own and embrace your imperfections. – Because once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.
33. Every mistake is a step forward. – You cannot make a mistake; you can only make a decision that will be your next best step.
34. Every day is a clean slate. – Don’t you dare give up on Today because of the way things looked Yesterday.  Don’t even think about it.  Every day is a new day to try again.
35. No moment is wasted when you live it with presence and purpose. – Value and enjoy the journey, even when there are detours along the way.  Appreciate every moment, whatever each moment may bring.  From the genuine appreciation of these little moments will come a remarkable life.
36. Treat everyone, especially yourself, with kindness and respect. – Treat yourself as the most important person in the world, and treat others as you treat yourself.  Do not miss a single chance – not one single opportunity – to tell someone how wonderful they are, how beautiful they are inside and out.  Live so that people will enjoy your presence when they’re with you, and appreciate you just as much or even more when they’re apart from you.
37. Accept important apologies you never received. – If you love someone and you want to forgive them, relieve them of the need to apologize to you, for anything.
38. True love is freedom. – Love lets go.  Let go of expectation, let go of requirements and rules and regulations that you would impose on your loved ones.  The gift of pure love allows you to bless others and accept them without condition, granting them freedom to make their own choices.
39. Everyone you meet can teach you something important. – In fact, the people who are the most difficult to deal with can also be your most valuable teachers.
40. No matter how much you know, there’s a whole lot you don’t know. – In almost every situation, a little more willingness to acknowledge that there may be something you do not know could change everything.  Go somewhere new, and countless opportunities suddenly appear.  Do something differently, and all sorts of great new possibilities spring up.  Keep an open mind.

4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

Emotionally Manipulated to Death

The day is November 18, 1978, and you’re in Guyana.  There you stand in the middle of Jonestown, a loyal member of Jim Jones’ cult known as “The People’s Temple”.  He commands you to drink a cup of poisonous, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and take your own life.

What do you do?

Well of course you don’t do it, right?  Who is Jim Jones, or anyone for that matter, to tell you to end it all?  You are not a robot that can be ordered to kill yourself against your own will!  But an astounding 907 people simply followed his orders and died that fateful day.  And many of these people poisoned their children before they took their own lives.  People who wanted to live and wanted their children and spouses to live.

Why did these people do this?  Why did men and women, many college educated, allow themselves to be abused and brainwashed by this man?  Why did they agree to sell their homes and give all their possessions and money to “The People’s Temple” – an obvious cult?

Were these people of abnormally low intelligence?  Were they clinically insane?  Or was Jim Jones a highly skilled manipulator of human emotions?  Did he know exactly how to push a human being’s “buttons,” and string them along even to the extent that they would poison their own children before ending their own lives?

Either way, that was just “Jonestown”, right?  It was an isolated event.

Wrong!  “Jonestown” has happened numerous times throughout history – and it will happen again.  I bet you can think of other examples where people were willingly driven to their own demise.  It may not be “Jonestown” – it may go by a different name, but we see the same exact psychological mechanisms of manipulation in play.  Understanding these mechanisms can help immunize you not just to the grosser psychological manipulations of a wicked cult leader, but also to the more subtle psychological conditioning that we all encounter as part of everyday life.

We All Have Basic Human Needs

Jim Jones was a master of deceiving people by appearing to give them what they needed.  And this is the crucial point to grasp.  We all have innate human needs.  If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.

Some of your basic human needs include:

• The security of a safe environment in which to grow.
• A sense of autonomy and control of your life.
• A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals.
• Being part of a broader, likeminded community.
• A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).
• Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).
• Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

Again, if any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking.  The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.

Many of Jim Jones’ devotees were drawn from a pool of disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways.  People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth.  Jones held out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and feelings of security inside his “temple.”  And there must have been some really deep seeded beliefs instilled in these people, because eventually they followed Jones, like some new-age Pied Piper, into oblivion.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

It’s rather easy to see that if your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible.

If you disagree, think about this: On a more conventional level, consider how many people feeling neglected in a marriage have a careless affair with someone because it was “so nice to be listened to, flattered, romanced, etc.”  The very same unconscious propulsion towards an affair like that might drive others into the arms of a cult (or even to buy a timeshare or a new wonder drug!)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the sleazy aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us.  Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do.  Jim Jones’ devotees too would certainly have developed a belief system around the cult, and they wholeheartedly believed that they had rational arguments for sticking with it.

It’s easy to say afterwards, “How could I have been so foolish?”  But extreme incidents like the Jonestown massacre demonstrate just how mind-numbingly powerful the drive to meet our basic human needs is.  They can completely overwhelm clear thinking – just as a person dying of thirst in a desert might desperately put an ice-cold bottle of poison to their lips, if it were offered to them.

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

Famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini conducted a study of how and why people comply (or buy) in business situations, and identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence.”  Although he was looking at business related events and interactions, his principles apply equally well to unsuitable, manipulative relationships of any kind.  And if you look closely, it’s not hard to see the link between Cialdini’s principles and the basic needs I outlined above.

Cialdini’s weapons of influence:

• Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!”  When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you.  Jim Jones constantly reminded his devotees of all he and “The People’s Temple” had done for them – how he had “saved them” and how they “owe” themselves to the “temple.”  If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative.  It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate.
• Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment.  We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds).  To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.
• Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing.  Period.  “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?”  or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.”  This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.”  And it’s complicated too, because this is not just thoughtless blindness on our part.  Hundreds of years ago, for human beings to survive in a world of predators, we had to form tight-knit social groups and look to others for behavioral cues.  This is still useful up to a point, but the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage.
• Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts.  Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades (and Jim Jones was certainly naturally authoritative).
• Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like.  But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem.  Cialdini demonstrated that people tend to buy from people they like, or buy things people they like buy.  We also tend to like attractive people.  It’s no coincidence that cult leaders tend to be charismatic, likeable and attractive. 
• Scarcity - If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase.  “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing.  In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!”  It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you.  Jim Jones phrased it like this: “‘The People’s Temple’ is the only place you can be saved” – all cults will have a similar manipulative slogan.

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

1. Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.
2. Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap.  Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.
3. Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.
4. Stay calm.  Breathe.  A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

Most people and organizations are not actually out to exploit and manipulate others in an evil way, but as the unfortunate followers of Jim Jones discovered back in 1978, when they do, horrifying things can happen.