10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid

1.  Relationships run by one person.

A relationship is toxic when one person is running it.  Period.

When you feel out of control or a little lost it can be tempting to look for someone willing to take charge of your life for you, just to alleviate the pressure.  But before you do consider this: If you put a collar around your own neck and hand the leash to someone else, you’ll have no say about where they lead you in life.

We should never feel powerless or trapped in a relationship.  In fact, if either person feels powerless or trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist.  Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.

Yes, healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation of free will and teamwork.  And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway.  You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working against them or trying to control them.  It really is a full circle.  The strength of a relationship depends on the individual strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

2.  Relationships that are supposed to “complete” you.

Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet “The One,” you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss.

So, it’s easy to believe that it’s your partner’s job to make you feel joyful and whole.  But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it’s not your partner’s job to fill in your empty voids.  That’s your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.

The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.

3.  Relationships that rely on codependency.

When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your own needs, that’s codependency, and it’s toxic.  When you set a precedent that someone else is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), then you both will develop codependent tendencies.  Suddenly, neither one of you is allowed to plan something without getting approval.  All activities – even the mundane things such as watching a TV program – must be negotiated and compromised.  When someone begins to get upset, all personal needs go out the window because it’s now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment.  Sure, if Angel gets mad at me once because she’s had a crappy day and is aggravated and needs attention, that’s understandable.  But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being 24/7, then I’m eventually going to become very bitter towards her feelings and desires.

As Jim Rohn once said, “The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development.  I used to say, ‘If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.  “Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.’”

In other words, take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner and friends to be responsible for theirs.  There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive and being obligated at all times.  Any sacrifices for others should be made as a self-directed choice and not seen as an obligation.

4.  Relationships based on idealistic expectations.

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not.  “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be.  So beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.  They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be.  No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever.  They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.  Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.

Bottom line: Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

5.  Relationships where past blame is used to justify present righteousness.

When someone you’re in a relationship with continues to blame you for your past mistakes, your relationship is toxic.  If both people in the relationship do this it becomes a hopeless battle to see who has screwed up the most over the years, and therefore who owes the other one more of an apology.

When you use someone else’s past wrongdoings in order to try and justify your own present righteousness, it’s a lose-lose situation.  Not only are you dodging the current (valid) issue itself, but you’re digging up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate the other person into feeling wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both people in the relationship eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less guilty than the other rather than solving the present problem.  They spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

You must recognize that by choosing to be in a relationship with someone, you are choosing to be with all of their prior mistakes.  If you don’t accept those mistakes, then ultimately, you do not accept them.  If something bothered you that much in the past, you should have dealt with it then.  It’s time to let bygones be bygones. 

6.  Relationships built on daily lies.

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and willingness on the part of both people to repair it and heal.  All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.”  This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies too.  If you’re covering up your tracks in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken.

Remember, an honest adversary is always better than a friend or lover who lies.  Pay less attention to what people say, and more attention to what they do.  Their actions will show you the truth in the long run.

If you catch someone you care about lying to you, speak up.  Some people will lie to you repeatedly in a vicious effort to get you to repeat their lies over and over until they effectively become true.  Don’t partake in their nonsense.  Don’t let their lies be your reality.  Don’t be afraid to stand up for the truth – YOUR truth.  Forgiveness and reconciliation can’t begin until this truth is told.

7.  Relationships that lack forgiveness and the willingness to rebuild trust.

Failing to understand that broken trust CAN be repaired leads to a grim future.

When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every long-term relationship at some point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth.

In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you.  It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be to leave, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired.  But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together.

8.  Relationships in which passive aggression trumps communication.

Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior.  Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you.  Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to take jabs at someone until they pay attention and get upset.

This is obviously a toxic relationship situation.  It shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another.  A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any worries or insecurities within the relationship.  A person will never feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking.

In healthy relationships, feelings and desires are shared openly.  Make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support.  If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way.

9.  Relationships governed by emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail is when someone applies an emotional penalty against you when you don’t do exactly what they want.  The key condition here is that you change your behavior, against your will, as a result of the emotional blackmail.  In other words, absent the emotional blackmail you would do differently, but you fear the penalty so you give in.  This is extremely toxic behavior.

The solution, as with passive aggression, is simply better communication.  There should never be a penalty, just an honest conversation.  It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without there being penalties and harsh repercussions.  Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

Remember, it’s fine to get upset at someone you care about or to not like something about them.  That’s called being an imperfect human being.  Understand that committing to a person and always liking a person’s choices is not the same thing.  One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them.  On the contrary, two people who are capable of communicating sincere criticism towards one another without judgment or emotional blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long run. 

10.  Relationships that are always put on the back burner.

Failing to carve out quality time for important relationships is one of the most toxic relationship mistakes of them all, and yet it often goes unnoticed… at least for a while… until everything starts falling apart.

The truth is, relationships are like any other living entity: they require dedicated time in order to survive and thrive.  It’s easy to allow life to take over, especially when you have young children, work, and a body that needs nourishing food and exercise.  But your relationship with someone is a body as well, and if it’s not watered with quality time every week, it will start to wither.  Make time every week to focus only on those you care about, and time every day to pour even just a few minutes of quality interaction into your closest relationships.

Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence.  Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment.  It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.

40 Things We Forget To Thank Our Best Friends For

1. “Thank you for making so many ordinary moments, extraordinary.” – Yes, sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary, just by doing them with the right people.
2. “Thank you for always giving me the extra push I need.” – A best friend is someone who will inspire you to be who you always knew you could be.  Keep this in mind.  Anyone who helps you make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through kindness, commitment and teamwork, is a keeper.
3. “Thank you for telling me the truth.” – Remember, being honest might not always get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.  Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Best friends tell each other the truth, always.
4. “Thank you for talking things out with me.” – Lots of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.  So always communicate clearly with those closest to you, even when it’s uncomfortable and uneasy.
5. “Thank you for meeting me halfway.” – Best friends ultimately meet in the middle.  When there’s a disagreement, they work out a solution that works for both parties – a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change or completely give in.
6. “Thank you for not getting in the way of the other important parts of my life.” – A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your happiness, your other important relationships, your dreams, or your dignity.
7. “Thank you for being compassionate.” – Let their kindness and compassion remind you to pay it forward.  Always give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.
8. “Thank you for thinking of me as often as you do.” – Make little gestures daily to show your best friends you care.  Knowing that a person you often think of has you on their mind too means a lot.
9. “Thank you for the compliments.” – It’s nice to be complimented, isn’t it?  Do not miss a chance – not one single, tiny opportunity – to tell someone you care about how wonderful they are and how beautiful they are, inside and out.
10. “Thank you for making time for me.” – When you are important to another person, they will always find a way to make time for you – no excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.
11.  “Thank you for your full presence.” – The best gift you can give someone you care about is the purity of your full attention.  That’s what best friends do for each other every time they’re together.
12. “Thank you for knowing when something is wrong with me.” – An incredible thing happens when we pay close attention to each other.  We help each other heal, sometimes before we even hurt.  A person who truly knows and loves you – a best friend – is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believes the smile on your face.
13. “Thank you for making the extra effort to understand me.” – It’s much easier to judge people than it is to understand them; understanding takes extra kindness and patience.  And this “extra” is always worth it.
14. “Thank you for not acting, judging, or treating me like you know me better than I know myself.” – Nuff said.
15. “Thank you for being willing to be wrong.” – Sometimes we must choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.
16. “Thank you for supporting my decisions.” – Don’t listen to those who tell you exactly what to do.  Listen to those special few who encourage you to do what you already know in your heart is right.
17. “Thank you for being loyal, even when we are apart.” – Best friends don’t grow apart, even when they are apart.
18. “Thank you for being there through good times and bad.” – The people who stick by you at your worst, deserve to enjoy being with you at your best.  In fact, the best thing about the toughest days of your life is that you get to see who your true friends really are.  The people truly worthy of “best friend” status are the ones that help you through hard times, and laugh with you after the hard times pass.  
19. “Thank you for knowing that I can’t always be strong.” – Sometimes we must let a friend down because we can’t hold them up.  But “I can’t carry you” doesn’t mean, “I don’t love you.”  It may simply mean, “I’m struggling too.”
20. “Thank you for facing problems with me.” – Best friends are those who make your problems their problems too, just so you don’t have to go through them alone.  Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems; look for someone who will face them with you.
21. “Thank you for going out of your way for me, even when it’s not convenient.” – You never want to waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them.  Because that’s not what true friendship is all about.
22. “Thank you for actually wanting to be there for me.” – True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations.  What best friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them.  Period.
23. “Thank you for walking the talk.” – When we characterize people by their actions, we are never fooled by their words.  Best friends don’t just talk the talk, they walk it out.
24. “Thank you for believing in me.” – It’s amazing how far you are willing to go when someone believes in you.
25. “Thank you for encouraging me when I stumble.” – Return the favor when you’re able too.  We have enough critics.  Be an encourager.  One sincere word of encouragement after failure is worth more than a day of praise after success.  Be a blessing.  Be a friend.  Encourage someone special.  Take time to care.  Let your words heal, and not wound.
26. “Thank you for using caring words.” – You can measure the happiness of any close relationship by the number of scars that each member carries on their tongues and inner cheeks, formed over many years of biting back angry and insensitive words.
27. “Thank you for accepting me just the way I am.” – A best friend is someone who truly knows you, and loves you just the same.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
28. “Thank you for making me feel comfortable in my skin.” – This is such an important reminder.  Be the type of person who makes everyone you come across feel perfectly OK and comfortable with being exactly who they are.
29. “Thank you for simply enjoying my company.” – Lots of relationships fail because we spend more time pointing out each other’s mistakes and not enough time enjoying each other’s company.
30. “Thank you for valuing my time.” – Anyone who is best friend material will value your time.  Period.  Never waste your time on someone who doesn’t value it.
31. “Thank you for showing me that you are grateful to have me in your life.” – Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other.
32. “Thank you for supporting me in making myself a priority.” – Remember, putting yourself first does not mean being “selfish” – it means being self-aware.  It means not forgetting to love yourself, too.
33. “Thank you for sincerely loving me.” – Nothing changes the world for the better like one person deciding to love another, no matter what.  Today, invest your love in someone special, and thank those special friends who invest their love in you.
34. “Thank you for helping me love myself more too.” – What you give to another person is really what you give to yourself.  When you treat people you care about with love, you learn that you’re lovable too.
35. “Thank you for all the little things you do that make a big difference.” – Pay attention to the little things, because when you really miss someone, you miss the little things the most, like just laughing together.
36. “Thank you for being patient and forgiving when I step on your toes.” – No matter how honest and kind you try to be, you will occasionally step on the toes of the people closest to you.  And this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital.  Patience is the ability to let your light shine on those you love, even after your fuse has blown.  And forgiveness is knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.
37. “Thank you for not holding my unchangeable past against me.” – Sometimes happiness in relationships amounts to making peace with something that can’t be fixed.  Sometimes you let it go, and sometimes you hold it broken.  It amounts to forgiveness in any case.
38. “Thank you for not expecting our relationship to always be easy.” – Healthy relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful and lasting.
39. “Thank you for giving me the solitude and space I need.” – Remember, it’s healthy to spend time alone sometimes.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
40. “And most of all, thank you for being YOU.”

12 Things You Need to Remind Yourself of When You Wake Up

1. Today can be great, but only if you make it so. – Why do we often feel so powerless?  Because we convince ourselves that we are.  We wait for things to be given to us – entitlements.  But in life, there are no true entitlements, and the truth is that if you want something then you need to make it happen for yourself.  You need to work for it.  Whether or not today is a great day doesn’t depend on the weather.  It doesn’t depend on your “mood” (that’s also within your control).  It doesn’t depend on anyone else.  If you want to have a pleasant and productive day then choose to have one.  It’s all about your perception and what you choose to believe and do.
2. There is a lot you CAN control. – There are plenty of things in life that are out of our control, but don’t let this fool you into believing that your life as a whole is out of your control.  The reality is, the life you are living is almost entirely by your own design.  You have made many little choices along the way that led you down the road you’re currently traveling.  Saying that your life is out of your control is a copout – it’s what other people want you to believe so that they have an easier time getting you to do what they want you to do.
3. You do not need anyone’s constant approval. – The need for approval is like an addiction.  If you base all your actions on the approval of others, ultimately you find yourself running in place, sacrificing your own happiness.  Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.  Learn how to say “no” to people and obligations that do not add value to your life.  Your time on this planet is precious.  As the saying goes, “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.”  Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live.
4. Complaining is useless unless you can suggest a solution. – Do not be a constant complainer.  It doesn’t help you and it certainly doesn’t help your relationships.  If you do not like your current situation, work towards changing it, but don’t just sit around complaining about it.  Complaining will only make others nearby not want to be around you.  Be someone that looks at the positive aspects of situations.  And if you do find a problem that needs to be addressed, be someone that suggests a solution.  The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now.  Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it.
5. Success is a lifestyle, not a result. – We all want to achieve success, but we need to remember that success in not a specific achievement.  Success is not crossing over some arbitrary finishing line.  It’s the ability to fight the good fight day in and day out.  Success is strength – the strength to keep pushing and to keep living your life on your own terms.  Success isn’t an end result.  It’s a state of being.  You don’t win success.  You are a success every day.
6. The fact that you haven’t given up is a success in itself. – It may give you little comfort to think about how you’re still waist deep in the struggle, but the truth is you are one of the strong people with the guts to keep at it.  Many people give up before they even begin, but not you.  No, you wake up every day and get things done.  You crawl inch by inch against the current because you refuse to give up.  You refuse to accept mediocrity.  You refuse to listen to others when they tell you that you’re not good enough.  You’re still in it, fighting the good fight.
7. In every tough situation, kindness must be attempted first. – People may make ugly comments.  The airline carrier may lose your baggage.  Another driver may cut you off in rush-hour traffic.  These situations will happen daily.  The question is: How are you going to respond?  Although your first response, like many others, will be to get upset, why not try a different approach?  Anger in these situations never solves problems.  People are far more likely to respond aptly to kindness.  And you can be kind and be firm at the same time.  Get your point across without sacrificing your integrity.  It’s the only response you will not regret later.
8. Bullies and energy vampires are not worth worrying about. – We sometimes allow the wrong people to take up too much space in our heads and hearts.  We meet energy vampires and bullies regularly – especially when we live in a big city or work in a large, cutthroat corporate environment.  These individuals will try to get to you – they will try to influence you and become a part of your life because they find their own life to be mundane.  They already poisoned their own lives and now they are looking to poison yours.  Don’t let them get to you.
9. If someone hurts you, don’t take it personally. – Truth be told, if someone hurts you, chances are, they have been hurt themselves.  So do your best to never take anything too personally.  Don’t let compliments get to your head and don’t let insults get to your heart.  Most people can only give others what they have received themselves.  All your actions and words should come from a place of love, but not everyone will be loving in return, and that’s OK.  As Miguel Ruiz explained in his book The Four Agreements, when you do not take anything personally, you liberate yourself.  You can open yourself to the world, freely, and not have to worry about the judgments of others.
10. Your focused presence matters. – While modern technology can be life-changing in many beneficial ways, there is an aspect of this technology that greatly interferes with our lives and relationships.  Do not be so addicted to a screen that you miss out on the opportunity to enjoy real life unfolding in front of you.  Learn to disconnect.  Learn to slow down.  Give people your full and undivided attention.  Do not seek mindless stimulation on a screen for no reasons, and refocus on nurturing real human connections.
11. Good things in life end too soon when they aren’t appreciated. – This isn’t to say that appreciating what you have when you have it comes naturally – our minds tend to consider the possibility that the grass on the other side is greener.  But we need to mindfully remind ourselves that life isn’t about constantly upgrading things.  To live a happy, fulfilling life we have to learn to appreciate and love what we have.  If you fall in love then do your sincere best to nurture your love.  Don’t wait for things to end before you start appreciating them.
12. Today is a blessing. – Think about how many people die every minute of every day and you’ll begin to realize that waking up in the morning is a blessing.  We don’t live in a world of perpetual peace, but one laden with bouts of chaos.  On top of this, accidents do happen and people get severely injured and die because of them.  Getting another day to breathe, to experience life, and to do something meaningful is the greatest gift one can receive.  Make today count!

12 Quiet Rituals of Enormously Successful Humans

1.  They have calm, consistent morning routines.

Too many books and courses on personal success act like we’re robots, and completely overlook the enormous power of our emotions.  The less frenzied emotions we have at the start of the day, the less we will have all day.  Because when we start the day in a calm, mindful state, it’s easy to focus and get the right things done.

But when we wake up and stress is already upon us – phones ringing, emails and texts dinging, fire alarms going off – you spend the whole day reacting, instead of being proactive.  This means you’re not in the driver’s seat working on your priorities – the things that drive success – you’re simply responding to what gets thrown at you, whether it’s important or not.

Try to have the first hour of your day vary as little as possible.  A trusted routine can be extremely effective in helping you feel in control and non-reactive, which reduces anxiety and stress, and therefore makes you more mindful and competent.  The bottom line is that how you start the day has an enormous effect on your overall effectiveness.

2.  They eliminate all needless busywork.

At some point we all wonder, “Why is it so impossible to get everything done?”  But the answer is stunningly simple: We’re doing too many of the wrong things.

Several research studies have shown that people never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up.  Instead, they get more done when they follow careful plans that measure and track key priorities and milestones.  So if you want to be more successful and less stressed, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”

Simply being able to do something well does not make it the right thing to do.  I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management advice; too often productivity gurus focus on how to do things quickly, but the vast majority of things people do quickly should not be done at all.

If you think about it, it’s actually kind of ironic that we complain we have so little time, and then we prioritize like time is infinite.  So do your best to focus on what’s truly important, and not much else.

3.  They do what needs to be done, TODAY!

While everyone else is talking about it, successful people are quietly doing it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics, you can’t change anything or make any sort of real-world progress without taking action.  There’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.  Knowledge and intelligence are both useless without action.  It’s as simple as that.

Successful people know that a good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed someday.  They don’t wait for the “right time” or the “right day” or the “right (impossible) circumstances”, because they know these reactions are based on a fear and nothing more.  They take action here and now, today – because that’s where real progress happens.

4.  They gradually turn life’s obstacles around.

Many of the most iconic novels, songs and inventions of all time were inspired by gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak.  Therefore, the silver lining of these great challenges is that they were the catalyst to the creation of epic masterpieces.

An emerging field of psychology called Post-Traumatic Growth has suggested that many people are able to use their hardships and traumas for substantial creative and intellectual development.  Specifically, researchers have found that trauma can help people grow in the areas of interpersonal relationships, contentment, gratitude, personal strength, and resourcefulness.

When our view of the world as a safe place, or as a certain type of place, has been shattered, we are forced to reboot our perspective on things.  We suddenly have the opportunity to look out to the periphery and see things with a new, fresh set of beginner’s eyes, which is very conducive to personal growth and long-term success. 

5.  They learn by stretching themselves to their limits.

You learn best when you’re stretching yourself beyond your previous level of comfort.

Sure, getting into a routine is great.  “Flow” is great too.  But neither is the best way to learn.  You want to be stretched to the edge of your ability sometimes.  It needs to be hard and uncomfortable.  That’s how your brain grows.  We learn when we’re in our discomfort zone.

When you’re struggling, that’s when you’re growing stronger and smarter.  The more time you spend there, the faster you learn.  It’s better to spend an extremely high quality ten minutes growing, than it is to spend a mediocre hour running in place.  You want to practice at the point where you are on the edge of your ability, stretching yourself over and over again, making mistakes, stumbling, learning from those mistakes and stretching yourself even farther.

6.  They turn to their intuition when making tough decisions.

Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from your previous life experiences.  If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason.  When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts.

Successful people know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.

7.  They mindfully focus on the positive.

As Shawn Achor describes in his book The Happiness Advantage, a recent scientific study showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster.  The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%.  Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers.  So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive.

Of course, that’s not to say that successful people never get upset, but your effectiveness in all walks of life will fare better if you’re able to mindfully accept and let go of negative emotions, rather than dwelling on them.  Think a little less about managing your problems and a little more about managing your mindset.  Keep it positive.

8.  They create visual reminders of their long-term goals.

You want to lose weight, but when you’re tired, it’s easy to rationalize that you’ll start exercising and eating right tomorrow.  You want to build a more profitable business, but when you’re caught up in the daily grind, it’s easy to just do what’s familiar instead of what’s required for growth.  You want to nurture your closest relationships, but when you’re busy, it’s easy to rationalize that you really need to work on that client proposal instead.

Few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out – even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.

To combat this, successful people create tangible reminders that pull them back from the brink of their weak impulses.  A friend of ours who has paid off almost $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of his credit card balance taped to his computer monitor; it serves as a constant reminder of the debt he wants to pay off.  Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the person she never wants to be again.  And another fills his desk with family photos, both because he loves looking at them and because, when work gets really tough, these photos remind him of the people he is ultimately working for.

Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that take you farther away from your ultimate goals.  Then use visual reminders of those goals to interrupt the impulse and keep you on track.

9.  They keep some kind of personal notebook.

Oprah keeps a journal.  Eminem keeps a journal.  J.K. Rowling keeps a journal.

Successful people track their progress, set goals, reflect, and learn from their mistakes.  And they often use some kind notebook to accomplish this.  If you want to get somewhere in life, you need a map, and this notebook is that map.  You can write down what you did today, what you tried to accomplish, where you made mistakes, and so forth.  It’s a place to reflect.  It’s a place to capture important thoughts.  It’s a place to be able to track where you’ve been and where you intend to go.  It’s one of the most underused, yet incredibly effective tools available to the masses.

10.  They have mentors they observe and consult with.

Regardless of what you’re trying to achieve, you cannot do it alone.  It can be hard to learn from books.  And sometimes the Internet makes it difficult to separate truth from fiction.  You need someone who has been where you want to go to show you the ropes – your own personal mentor or coach.

Yes, 10,000 hours of diligent practice can make you an expert, but what makes you dedicate 10,000 hours to something in the first place?  The answer is having a great mentor or two.  If you study the lives of enough successful people, it becomes obvious that most world-class performers in all fields – athletes, musicians, entrepreneurs, artists, etc. – had incredible mentors, coaches or role models who made the activity of practice worthwhile and rewarding.

And sometimes just observing a mentor works wonders too.  When we observe someone we want to learn from and we have a crystal clear idea of what we want to create for ourselves, it unlocks a tremendous amount of motivation.  Human beings are socially inclined, and when we get the idea that we want to join some elite circle up above us, that is what really motivates us to achieve greatness.  “Look, they did it.  I can do it too!”  It may sound overly simplistic, but spending time studying people who are great can be one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself.

11.  They welcome honest feedback and criticism.

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”  That’s what Aristotle said.  And obviously, he was being facetious.

If you are being criticized for doing, saying or thinking something that’s out of the ordinary.  Good.  That means you’ve taken a stand for something sometime in your life recently.  And that’s a huge part of being successful.

Follow in the footsteps of enormously successful people by learning to effectively process the criticism you receive.  Hateful and negative criticism should be received, assessed, and then let go, while constructive criticism should be evaluated and acted upon.  Solicit feedback from people whose opinions you value – people who have been where you want to go.  And remember to be gracious when receiving feedback; when you are, all the people around you will be more likely to give you their support and honest insight in the future.

12. They keep their pride in check.

Last but not least…

To admit they made a mistake.  To say they are sorry.  To know that they can’t possibly know it all.  To have big dreams. To admit they owe their success to others too.  To poke fun at themselves from time to time.  To ask for help when they need it.

To make mistakes and fail.  And to try again, willingly.

There are no permanent jobs or absolutes on this planet.  We are all just interning and exploring here.  Learn from everyone, remain humble, and don’t forget to have a good time along the way.

That’s what successful people do.

23 Things People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently

1. They flow with life, not against it. – When everything in life seems to be going wrong, mostly it’s meant to go wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow.  Keep this in mind.  Life may wreck your plans when your plans are about to wreck you.  For everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else.  You don’t have to accept it; it’s just easier if you do.  When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little.  Sometimes you simply need to take a deep breath and appreciate what is.
2. They let go of self-defeating thoughts. – Breath by breath, let go of fear, expectation, anger, regret and frustration.  Let go of the need for approval too.  You don’t need any of it.  The world is as we are inside.  What we think, we see, and we ultimately become.  So choose your thoughts wisely.  Think how you want to live.
3. They prove themselves to themselves, not others. – If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone else, you’ve already forgotten your value.  Don’t do this to yourself.
4. They believe in the possibilities ahead. – You are a victim of the beliefs you live by.  And a belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses, it is an idea that possesses the mind.  So believe in yourself.  Believe in your capacity to succeed.  Believe that there are many roads to what’s right.  Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths.  Believe that the answers are out there waiting.  Believe that life will surprise you again and again.  Believe that the journey is the destination.  Believe that it’s all worth your while.
5. They find the positive in every situation.– The most underrated trait of all successful people I’ve ever met: Positivity.  Your attitude directly determines how well you live your life.
6. They appreciate what they have. – Every now and then it’s good to pause in your pursuit of happiness, look around, and simply be happy for what you already have in your life.
7. They nurture their own inner peace. – In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.  Take a few deep breaths, a relaxing walk, or a moment to meditate.  When you find peace within, you who can live at peace in any situation.
8. They find the courage to be real. – It takes courage to grow up, grow wiser, and turn out to be who you really are.  Find the courage to own your story.  To speak your truth.  To ask for what you need.  To set boundaries.  And to reach out for love and support when you need it.
9. They maintain high personal standards based on strong values. – Goals are important but they are temporary.  Values on the other hand are forever.  Raise your standards by taking a values-driven, not just a goal-focused, approach to life.
10. They walk the talk and always set a great example. – Be the change you want to see.Give what you expect, reflect what you desire, become what you respect, and mirror what you admire.
11. They help themselves by helping others.– We all die.  The goal isn’t to live forever; the goal is to create something that will… an idea or gesture that helps others live better.  Strong people stand up for themselves; stronger people stand up for others too.  Remember this next time you feel like flexing your muscles.
12. They use self-reflection as a tool to keep things in perspective. – Never forget where you’ve been, lose sight of where you’re going, or take for granted the people who travel the journey with you.
13. They make their important relationships a daily priority. – An incredible thing happens when you pay close attention.  It’s by participating more in your relationships that you breathe life into them.
14. They accept that not all relationships are meant to last. – This is a harsh truth.  And what we do with our pain is nearly everything.  To punish people for not loving us is a heartbreaking, broken sort of justice.  It just doesn’t work out for anyone.  So let the wrong ones go, willingly.  Ultimately, you will meet two kinds of people in life: those who build you up and those who tear you down.  In the end, though, you will thank them both.  Because the wrong relationships eventually lead to the right ones.
15. They leave the past behind. – Don’t let the past steal your present.  Your past has not defined, deterred, or defeated you.  It has only strengthened who you are today.  Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
16. They make every day count. – What you do daily matters more than what you do every once in awhile.  Your life will not improve unless you start making daily improvements.  It’s not about being the smartest, it’s about making the smartest decision. It’s not about being right, it’s about doing the right things.
17. They do the work. – The near-term cost of discipline is always less than the long-term cost of lack of discipline.  At some point you have to stop wishing for it and start working for it.
18. They focus on effectiveness, not busyness. – The great paradox of our time is that many of us are busy and bored at the same time.  Busyness and effectiveness are two different things.
19. They get uncomfortable. – You can’t learn, grow and succeed until you get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  The best wins in life often come only after you dare to lose.
20. They break-up their routines to seek new insight. – You will often see what is wrong when you are doing it right.  But you will rarely see what is right when you are comfortably in the routine of doing it wrong.  If you want a new tomorrow, then make new choices today.  Mix it up!  Sometimes a break from your routine is the very thing you need.
21. They take action in spite of their fears. – Dreading is often far worse than just doing the thing.  Dread rehearses a scenario over and over without progress and success ever showing up.  So just do it already!  Stand strong.  Do what you fear, and fear disappears.  Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions speak louder than your words.
22. They use change as an opportunity to grow. – Life is change, but growth is optional.  Choose wisely.  To be a success in life you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to remain perfectly capable of improving.  Let your mistakes, and life’s twists and turns, strengthen you.  Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.
23. They always give themselves another chance. – Sometimes the bad things that happen in your life put you on a direct path to the best possible things that could ever happen to you.  You just have to give yourself another chance to get there.

16 Things You Shouldn’t Have to Justify to Anyone Else

1. Why you’re putting yourself first. – During a 2011 television interview, Michelle Obama was asked if she thought it was at all selfish that she has openly admitted to making herself her first priority, to which the First Lady replied, “No, not at all.  It’s practical…. a lot of times we just slip pretty low on our own priority list because we’re so busy caring for everyone else.  And one of the things that I want to model for my children is investing in themselves as much as they invest in others.”  Spot on advice if you ask me!  There are only a few people in this world who will stay 100% true to you, and YOU should be one of them.  Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s.
2. The need to express your emotions. – Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional.  There’s no reason to be ashamed for feeling something or acting out on it if it’s real to you.  It’s a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren’t afraid to let others know it.  Showing your emotions is a sign of human strength.  The people who judge you for being human, and not being modest, emotionless, and “in line,” are the ones who need to apologize.
3. Your weirdness. – Where’s your will to be weird?  Where’s your resolution to be real?  Truth be told, it’s not weird to be weird.  Everybody is weird in some way.  You must celebrate your individuality and not be embarrassed of it.  If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t hide it.
4. Being unapologetically YOU. – We are never more alive than when we are being brave, and we can’t be brave unless we are willing to take off our masks and be ourselves.  It’s about finding the courage to be real.  When perfectionism of any kind is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the backseat driver.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Let go of trying to be “perfect” in the eyes of others, and just be who you are.
5. Not taking things personally. – When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless worrying and suffering.  Some people may tell you it’s best to stand up for yourself and fight back, but the best offense is always a good defense.  Defend yourself from others by not taking the things they say and do personally.  Truth be told, if you take everything personally, you will remain offended for the rest of your life.  What other people do is because of them, not you.  Period.
6. Deciding to forgive. – Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are confident enough to stand on their own two legs and move forward.  In order to move forward, you must know why you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that way.  It’s about accepting the past completely, letting it be, and lifting your spirit with good intentions.  Nothing empowers your ability to heal and grow as much as your love and forgiveness.
7. Who you choose to spend your time with. – In the end, the best investment of your limited time on Earth will be to spend it with people you love.  Although it’s perhaps conceivable that you may lie on your deathbed someday regretting that you didn’t work harder and check every little thing off your to-do list, it’s doubtful that your work will be your biggest concern.  What’s more likely, however, is that you will wish you could have one more romantic night with your spouse, another long, heartfelt talk with your sister, and one last good hard laugh with your best friend.  Life is too short to be too busy for the people you love.
8. Not perfectly measuring up to everyone else’s progress. –  Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  In fact, two of the most amazing couples I know didn’t meet each other until they were in their late 30’s.  One of these couples just had their first child in their early 40’s.  The lesson here is simple: Great things in life don’t happen when society tells you they’re supposed to happen – they happen when they’re meant to be.  So remember, you don’t have to make excuses about why you aren’t married with children, or working a traditional 8-5 job, or making a certain amount of money, etc.  Our lives are not all meant to be scripted the same exact way.
9. Why you have failed, and why you aren’t scared to fail again. – Failure is the opportunity to begin again, smarter than before.  Forget what others have told you.  Fail often, fail fast, clean it up, learn from it, move on, and then repeat.  Just because things didn’t work out for you today, doesn’t mean there’s not something big in store for you tomorrow.  Rest easy and get ready.  Don’t waste your energy justifying yourself to the naysayers. 
10. The young-minded, foolish things you once did. – I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I have done in my life.  But I am me.  And I would not be me if I hadn’t learned along the way.  The same is true for you.  All wise old people were once young and foolish; that’s how they became wise.  Don’t be ashamed of who you had to be to get to where you are today.
11. Dressing down and not looking all fixed up every second. – Angel and I have helped thousands of coaching clients overcome self-esteem issues, and physical appearance almost always has something to do with it.  As a client we coached this morning put it, “Whenever I leave the house looking anything less than airbrushed and fashionable and then run into someone I know, I tend to feel the need to apologize for not looking a certain way.”  That’s ludicrous!  You don’t have to apologize to someone else for not looking a certain way; you have to apologize to yourself for feeling like you had to in the first place.
12. Your healthy eating habits. – Too often our culture associates healthy eating habits with fad diets and weight loss marketing schemes.  But there’s also something called healthy eating as a means to actual good health, not weight loss, not some crazy diet, or anything else.  Why do we need to stand up for ourselves when we choose to eat healthy?  Because for some reason, people tend to be skeptical that a person would actually just want to treat their body right and not be perpetually concerned with their shape and size.  Eat healthy because it’s good for your health.  Ignore the critics.
13. Working extra hard on your dreams. – When people try to inspire you, they’ll often tell you all kinds of sensible and heartfelt things like: “Follow your dreams.  Listen to your heart.  Find your inner voice and let it sing.  Change the world.  Make your mark.  Embrace your challenges.  Keep dreaming big.  Dream some more.  In fact, dream and don’t stop dreaming until all of your dreams come true.”  And all of this is fine and dandy, but the problem is a lot of people dream… and that’s all they do.  And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the really successful people, the really remarkable, passionate, and powerful people, are busy doing something with their dreams.  Be one of them.
14. Choosing to smile through your struggles. – Not every day will be good, but there will be something good about every day.  Notice it.  Ignore the negativity around you.  None of us know the exact paths we will travel or the trials that will come our way.  The secret is to find joy in the journey.  The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger you become.  Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving; you just get stronger and more resilient.  Smiling and appreciating each step you take is the smartest choice.  Your positivity will help you realize that sometimes the bad things that happen in your life put you on a direct path to the best possible things that could ever happen to you.
15. The things you hope for. – They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.  I couldn’t agree more.  We all do a lot of talking about the importance of the first two, but don’t forget to nurture your hope too.  And remember, hope isn’t the belief that life will always give you what you want; it’s the belief that life will gradually reveal what’s right.
16. Why you feel completely justified already. – You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks.  You are enough right now.  You have nothing to justify.  Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself.  You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the justification only YOU can give yourself.

16 Things Emotionally Strong People Don’t Do

1. They don’t let negativity and drama get the best of them. – Your brain is a radio transmitter.  It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life – you get to choose the station it’s tuned to.  Emotionally strong people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity.  Be wise enough to follow in their footsteps.  Walk away from the nonsense around you.  Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives will be harder to see.
2. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves. – Emotionally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them.  Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life, work on changing what can be changed, and keep in mind that life isn’t always easy or fair.  In the end, happiness is not the absence of problems, but simply the ability to deal well with them.  So look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.
3. They don’t think they need more to be happy. – Emotionally strong people know that happiness is a mindset of appreciation.  In other words, happiness doesn’t start when “this, that or the other thing” is resolved.  Happiness is what happens now when you appreciate what you have.
4. They don’t compare their journey to everyone else’s. – Social comparison is the thief of happiness.  Do YOUR best and don’t compare your progress with that of others.  They aren’t YOU.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  Emotionally strong people know this is the truth, and they live by it.
5. They don’t envy and resent other people’s success. – Emotionally strong people can genuinely appreciate and celebrate other people’s success.  They don’t grow envious or feel cheated when others achieve something they are trying to achieve.  Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.  True confidence has no room for envy and resentment.  When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate.
6. They don’t expect everything to be easy.– Emotionally strong people don’t view failures and delays as reasons to give up.  Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve.  They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.  Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, emotionally strong people don’t expect immediate results.  Instead, they apply their efforts and skills to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
7. They don’t say, “I can’t.” – As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”  Emotionally strong people know this is true.  If you really want to do something, you can and you will find a way.  If you don’t, you will surely find a long list of excuses.  So stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.”  Turn your “can’ts” into “cans” and your dreams into plans.
8. They don’t let fleeting temptations distract them from their dreams. – Don’t let the temptations of today distract you from what you deserve.  Stay emotionally strong.  Do what you have to do now so you can do what you want to do later.
9. They don’t get impatient and settle. – Good things don’t come to those who wait.  Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life.  If you know what you want, if you can see it, feel it and move toward it in some small way every single day… it has to happen.  Be patient and keep working.  That’s what emotionally strong people do.
10. They don’t make the same exact mistakes over and over again. – You can’t make the same mistake twice.  Because the second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.  Emotionally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes.  As a result, they don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.  Instead, they grow and move on to better decisions and new lessons.
11. They don’t resist change. – Emotionally strong people don’t try to avoid change.  Instead, they welcome positive change into their life and are willing to be flexible.  They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.  Change happens for a reason.  Roll with it!  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
12. They don’t waste time and energy on things they can’t control. – You won’t hear an emotionally strong person complaining over traffic jams and rainy days.  Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives.  And above all, they recognize that sometimes the only thing they can control is their attitude.  After all, inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow an uncontrollable event or person to control your emotions.
13. They don’t hang on every word other people say about them. – Emotionally strong people listen to their own heart and intuition, not the peanut gallery.  So try not to take things other people say about you too personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.  Ultimately, you can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you.  All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.
14. They don’t think everyone is out to get them. – Emotionally strong people choose to see the good in others.  Because the truth is, the world is full of good people.  Whoever says otherwise hasn’t looked around.  So look around.  Appreciate them.  Connect and smile together.  When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.
15. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone. – Emotionally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time.  They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary.  They strive to be compassionate and fair, but can handle other people being disappointed if they didn’t perfectly live up to their unfair expectations.  The bottom line is, pleasing everyone is impossible.  May the bridges you burn light your way.
16. They don’t think it’s too late to start over. – Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over.  Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t… even if it means beginning anew.  Just because some things didn’t work out as you had expected, or didn’t happen as fast as you thought they would, is no excuse to give up on yourself.  Time passes one way or the other.  Do what you need to do so that, at the very least, you can look back someday and say, “I gave life my best shot.”